December 14, 2007 by Avy.

Sometimes I get annoyed with myself over things that bother me. There’s things that happen that don’t go away, but are dealt with. That’s why people have PTSD and develop social disorders. It’s a shame when you’re in the right rational mind to KNOW that lightning doesn’t have to strike twice. It’s just hard to get the emotional mind that point sometimes. Like how I don’t walk over the grates on the sidewalk because I had a nightmare that I fell in one, broke my ankle, was trapped and died. I tripped over my own feet once and stumbled onto one– causing an embarrassing anxiety issue. That was the only time I was actively afraid I was definitely going to fall in. Most times I’m just like, “Ahhh don’t walk on that!”

Anyway. There’s a couple of things in my life I’d like to forget so I can feel like an undamaged parcel. I feel like I’m always being careful and it takes so much energy sometimes. I don’t like feeling this way. It makes me want to go back on meds but I really don’t want to. I don’t want to be a person who needs to be medicated. I want that PTSD pill. Or hypnosis. Bah.

Posted in Weird, Family, Love, Friends, Relationships | 1 Comment »

December 14, 2007 by Avy.

These are not my idea of people who should be deported. Read this story.  It’s bound to make you sick, but it goes to show how ass backwards our immigration system is.

Posted in In The News | 1 Comment »

December 12, 2007 by Avy.

I’m just tired of it. Nothing extravagant has happened today, but I was talking to my homie about how we’re not so social anymore. It’s because I don’t want people in my little world. Go away. Seriously. I don’t have time for it. There was a time when I trusted people and believed in stuff and I find myself just NOT believing in much of anything but me and what I can make from nothing.

Like this music thing… I know what I can do, and I’ve seen what my mates can do, but what next. I don’t fully believe in the commitments of others because examples thus far are pretty bleak.  I know it’s not a good way to be. I know I won’t do the music alone. I don’t really want to. But like to see more enthusiasm/motivation on others’ parts.

I was then thinking about friends and “friends” for a bit. There was a time when I confided in people. Now I confide in no one. This blog does not equal “in strict confidence.” It’s watered down and for the most part censored. One amigo put it best by saying something to the effect of “all relationships have a shelf life.” There’s quite a few people in my life that I’ve linked with only to have the expiration date come up quickly. That’s just the way it is.

For one reason or another, you should only really rely on yourself. It’s not about building walls or anything. It’s about playing it smart. People who should be or claim they will be, won’t be there for you. Some will, most won’t. That’s because most people are opportunistic. What’s in it for me? They are taking care of number one. I’ve tried being that way. Sometimes I’m successful. I’ve just got this coding error that makes me worry about other people way too much… actually I worry about everything, but that’s not the point.

Like how I feel guilty for things I know are not my fault. I can only control me. My actions effect others, as others’ effect me, but no one is forced to do anything they don’t want to do — myself included.

I’m no one’s mother, yet I feel the need to be. I try not to be preachy or pushy, but sometimes feel like I have to as a friend. What good friend will watch you constantly screw up and not say anything? I’ve had “friends” like that. Real ones will say something even if they know you won’t like it. My friends know I appreciate that. There’s a point where you must STFU tho.  Like one guy I’ve known since 4th grade who called to ask me if my wedding was still on. He called specifically for that reason. Sorry, but isn’t that rude and douchey?

I tend to separate myself from people I dislike. I can’t stand fake people. Don’t pretend you like me when we both know you don’t. Don’t include me in your Christmas cheer. Bitch I’m Wiccan and you don’t like me.  Let’s just peacefully co-exist.  That’s why I’m fine with some people and aggro with others. Don’t be fake. It’s annoying.

My ex used to be jealous of every guy around and accuse me of cheating all the time until finally I just did and said whatever. But not with any of the people he accused me of doing it with. It was like he just assumed any guy I was friends with had a chance. No. I don’t work that way. I could make a list as long as my arm about people I’ve been curious about yet never banged. Why? Just because. That’s how people get the HIV.  Herpes. The Clap. Shall I go on? I think a person should do as they please so long as no one gets hurt, but that doesn’t mean I’d have ever gone on a hump tour. Just because most guys will bang any chick who pays attention to them doesn’t mean I’d do the same.  That shit pissed me off so much. But I notice it’s always the man-whores who are most insecure. He could’ve snagged any chick (but not keep her) yet he was all wacko over me when I wasn’t even doing anything [yet].  Boys are effin stupid. I swear. Not even sure how I got there.  Oh but he’s a prime example of why I don’t date/shag friends. It expedites expiration. Everyone has a date.  Sad but true.

Introspection sucks, much like people.  That’s why I don’t hang out. That’s why I take on projects. That’s why I don’t invite people over when I have time to myself. It’d be nice to ‘connect’ but I’m learning it’s a waste of time.

oh and I’m not depressed or anything. I’ve just been thinking.

Now I must get back to collating.

Posted in Rant, Relationships | 1 Comment »

December 11, 2007 by Avy.

I’ve realized that I’ve got a post or two in me that would not be anywhere near PG-13.  I’ve been plopping those in my LJ but the flip flopping is annoying again. I’m just gonna protect them here and mail out a password to the subscribers. This way, if you’re curious, you can read. I wouldn’t want someone having to quickly minimize or Alt <– because I began ranting about my carnal desires.  I has plenty. And I shall spare you from them.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

December 10, 2007 by Avy.

I love learning about new animals, so I frequently read the BBC News’s Science & Nature online. I love BBC News, btw. Anyhoo, there’s a list of animals up for conservation from the Zoological Society of London (ZSL).  The list is below, but be sure to check out the ones with links for short articles on animals that I really really think are pretty sweet.

Posted in In The News, BioSci, Geek | 1 Comment »