All Up in My World

December 12, 2007 by Avy.

I’m just tired of it. Nothing extravagant has happened today, but I was talking to my homie about how we’re not so social anymore. It’s because I don’t want people in my little world. Go away. Seriously. I don’t have time for it. There was a time when I trusted people and believed in stuff and I find myself just NOT believing in much of anything but me and what I can make from nothing.

Like this music thing… I know what I can do, and I’ve seen what my mates can do, but what next. I don’t fully believe in the commitments of others because examples thus far are pretty bleak.  I know it’s not a good way to be. I know I won’t do the music alone. I don’t really want to. But like to see more enthusiasm/motivation on others’ parts.

I was then thinking about friends and “friends” for a bit. There was a time when I confided in people. Now I confide in no one. This blog does not equal “in strict confidence.” It’s watered down and for the most part censored. One amigo put it best by saying something to the effect of “all relationships have a shelf life.” There’s quite a few people in my life that I’ve linked with only to have the expiration date come up quickly. That’s just the way it is.

For one reason or another, you should only really rely on yourself. It’s not about building walls or anything. It’s about playing it smart. People who should be or claim they will be, won’t be there for you. Some will, most won’t. That’s because most people are opportunistic. What’s in it for me? They are taking care of number one. I’ve tried being that way. Sometimes I’m successful. I’ve just got this coding error that makes me worry about other people way too much… actually I worry about everything, but that’s not the point.

Like how I feel guilty for things I know are not my fault. I can only control me. My actions effect others, as others’ effect me, but no one is forced to do anything they don’t want to do — myself included.

I’m no one’s mother, yet I feel the need to be. I try not to be preachy or pushy, but sometimes feel like I have to as a friend. What good friend will watch you constantly screw up and not say anything? I’ve had “friends” like that. Real ones will say something even if they know you won’t like it. My friends know I appreciate that. There’s a point where you must STFU tho.  Like one guy I’ve known since 4th grade who called to ask me if my wedding was still on. He called specifically for that reason. Sorry, but isn’t that rude and douchey?

I tend to separate myself from people I dislike. I can’t stand fake people. Don’t pretend you like me when we both know you don’t. Don’t include me in your Christmas cheer. Bitch I’m Wiccan and you don’t like me.  Let’s just peacefully co-exist.  That’s why I’m fine with some people and aggro with others. Don’t be fake. It’s annoying.

My ex used to be jealous of every guy around and accuse me of cheating all the time until finally I just did and said whatever. But not with any of the people he accused me of doing it with. It was like he just assumed any guy I was friends with had a chance. No. I don’t work that way. I could make a list as long as my arm about people I’ve been curious about yet never banged. Why? Just because. That’s how people get the HIV.  Herpes. The Clap. Shall I go on? I think a person should do as they please so long as no one gets hurt, but that doesn’t mean I’d have ever gone on a hump tour. Just because most guys will bang any chick who pays attention to them doesn’t mean I’d do the same.  That shit pissed me off so much. But I notice it’s always the man-whores who are most insecure. He could’ve snagged any chick (but not keep her) yet he was all wacko over me when I wasn’t even doing anything [yet].  Boys are effin stupid. I swear. Not even sure how I got there.  Oh but he’s a prime example of why I don’t date/shag friends. It expedites expiration. Everyone has a date.  Sad but true.

Introspection sucks, much like people.  That’s why I don’t hang out. That’s why I take on projects. That’s why I don’t invite people over when I have time to myself. It’d be nice to ‘connect’ but I’m learning it’s a waste of time.

oh and I’m not depressed or anything. I’ve just been thinking.

Now I must get back to collating.

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