Sometimes

August 29, 2007 by Avy.

I think about things I shouldn’t think about.  Ibelieve what I wanna believe. I second guess myself. I compare apples to oranges because they’re both fruit. They both comefrom a tree. They both need the sun, water, eart to grow in and air to breathe. They’d similar but not the same and which one’s better?

I just feel like crying because I hate when I have these confusion spells. I can see everything clearly and I know I’m not perfect, but there’s somethings I just can’t do because I don’t even know what those things are. Sometimes I just hate being me and would rather be dead.

I saw Johnny’s brother this morning and Monday after work. Instead of dealing with how I feel about a friend of miine essentially being beaten to death, I focus on other things like sex. I love sex– always have. I can think of a lot of things that make people feel good and sex is the best. Anyway, I think I’ve been extra horny/sex-focused partially because of this thing with Johnny. It’s been a long time since someone I really cared about died, esp violently. There were a lot of times when I could sit around with Johnny and talk about stuff and he’d make me feel better about a thing or two. It sucks that he’s gone and I never really got to tell him how much I appreciated him slowing down and being quiet enough to have that friend time with me. He kinda kept me level when I needed it.  It’s selfish but I’ll miss that.

It’s too quiet at home. There’s no loud phone convo’s from him. Or BBQ action or music. It’s too quiet and he was too alive to be dead and I miss him.

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