July 23, 2007 by Avy.

So I think I feel good. I’ve been purging a lot of negativity from my brain. I think it’s good. Doesn’t make for happy reading for anyone who made read this thing, but I don’t care that much. This is my therapy. I’ve cut off some dead weight and cleaned out my LJ. I’m only staying there to comment on a few acquaintances’ journals and a good friend of mine. I’m sure I won’t be using it to post anything outside the communities I’ve joined.  I think it’ll be good for me to separate myself from it.  “It’s not LJ, it’s the people.”

There’s this song called Sensitive Emotions. It cracks me up. Part of a verse: “LiveJournal told me it all - There will be no internet lies.” I think I associate LJ with lies and false friendship. Because seriously, it’s amazing the things you find out via internet instead of from your so-called friends.

Even though I feel better from writing constantly, I think what hurts me aoubt my life right now if that there’s a huge chrunk of diasppointment and betrayal following me around when I think about LJ. Which is stupid! It’s just a journal site! But I let people into my life thinking how hard is it to just  get out there and be friendly and I shouldn’t have. Being guarded may be bad, but it works. I’d seriously rather never called anyone a friend than have to find out later that they were never friends to begin with. Okay, well to be honest, I think it’s more along the lines of courtesy. When you know how to help someone and don’t, are you a bad party? I think yes in most cases. Even if you’re a good person.

I’m thinking about one “friend” right now who never failed to tell me the truth no matter how bad it hurt because what else does a person have really? As much as I dislike him now, he never lied or hid shit from me or smiled in my face pretending he didn’t know this that or the other thing was up. When it came to me, I have to admit that he always looked out for me. Sure he could be a supreme asshole, but whatever. Some people are abraisive. Not excusing the reasons we don’t talk now. That’s the same thing for a couple of other people I don’t hear from now. It’s my own fault. Instead of being mad at them, I should have kept thanking them. Even as meddlesome fuck-ups they still were looking out for me and told me what they new because I needed to know. Friends do what you need them to do. I don’t really have friends so much as glorified acquaintances. But whatever. In alone out alone. People knock that way of thinking all the time, but I (and others) wouldn’t feel that way if it weren’t so often proven true.

Blah. Screw LJ, screw secret keeping “friends” and screw anything else that interrupts the proces of having a happy life.

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July 23, 2007 by Avy.

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