Possibly Offensive Post

July 20, 2007 by Avy.

I’m pretty sure I have PMDD/PMSD whatever that super depressed thing is when your about to rag. I think I cried a total of like 5 times yesterday. Pretty much everything made me cry.

Anyway, I was thinking about men.

I was thinking about how some men can be kewl but they’re still men (in general). These are generalisations made based on observation and experience. You may be offended if it relates to you in anyway. Tough tit. Sorry you’re lacking in personality points. I’ll be blunt because I have to for me.

There goes your warning.

Okay.

So I’m sure I believe the theory that 90% of the time, people befriend people whom they are attracted to. I know that’s true in my case, but that doesn’t mean I want you. It just means you caught my eye. I know I have a type, but big deal. I find different qualities in different people. Erik’s not 7ft tall, but I’m still majorly attracted to him and obviously in love. I’m not a redhead, but he’s still around. So there’s your real-time example.

I used to hang out with this kid “Bob” who was a total fuck up. I only talked to him at first because he was 6′9″ and standing next to each other was fun. He was too, too skinny from not being good and his teeth were big, but there was good eyeballs on him and we had a lot of screwed up things in common, amongst other typical things (music, fun imaginations, randomly wanting to climb a big hill). Anyway, it was a really weird time for me and I shouldn’t have spent as much time with him as I did, but I did. Blah blah blah.

It’s funny the people you sleep with. If I could describe every negative quality about that boy that would explain why I never wanted to be with him, it’d take too much time. I could have, but never wanted to, yet I banged him because of the time. Thinking who cares, or what does anything matter, or nothing’s solid anyway is a bad reason. Because you think of a friend as a constant and you’re basically like oh well. They’ll still be there. But then you feel bad because they’re still there wanting something you don’t want and it’s like crap! What’d I do now. And there’s the responsiblity to be un-scumbaggy. But when you then have to be scumbaggy because they don’t get that you used them (I mean technically that’s the case) it weighs down on you. I can’t explain how many times I’ve been outright mean to that boy to keep him away, despite how much I care about him. It’s a maternal thing really. I’m always wanting to take care of somebody. It’s stupid but a habit. He’s nearly died at least twice in the time that I’ve known him and it breaks my heart to see someone whom I know is intelligent be so stupid. But then so am I. The sad part is, I have this gut feeling he’s never going to be 100% clean. He’s going to OD again and he’s going to die and that’s part of the reason I can’t be friends with him. On top of other reasons, like, I dunno, maybe I should NOT hang out with someone my boyfriend hates to death for good reason.

Then there’s the one friend “John” that I dated, then it was weird so it was like, uh…. no. It’s still effin hilarious in my mind. He’s a former fuck up who’s made me really proud. He’s healthier looking, working really hard with a girlfriend who’s not a club skank or druggy and a purdy daughter. When he calls, it’s always good because it’s at least one example of how people can change for the better. He’s SO Mr. Dad and it’s hilarious to me to hear the baby-talk and of course I enjoy the pseudo-conversations I have with his daughter. I’m not so sure the gf is crazy about me, but she’s a grrl. They don’t typically like me, I’m used to it. I recently tried being nice and telling her about Flickr, she made it passive-aggressively clear that she’s not into talking to me, even through the feigned interest of getting us all together sometime. Bah. That’s my friend and out of a group of people who all hung out together, I’m the only one that was there when he wanted to get clean. Bitch should respect that much. But anyway…

Next friend would be “Chris.” I respect Chris a lot and had a crush on him for years, before I even met Erik, and after because let’s face it, young-buck crushes die hard. There’s a pedestal that man was on because I never saw him do anything wrong and when you can confide in someone for a long period of time and consistently be supported, geek out, philosophize, and all that, if they’re your type, you’ll get a crush. I don’t care who you are. Something bad could’ve happened if I didn’t think about how someone else would feel. Still, bad enough to be smitten.

But let’s get on my brain. I used to develop crushes quickly and lose them the next week, which is why I never think much of them.

Let’s see… there’s the friends I’ll call “The Brains.” Both are guys I’ve never in any way shape or form have even wanted anything with. I’ve never touched them. One constantly inviting me to, the other being a ‘big brother’ type. Both too meddlesome for their own goods and now I say sod off to both of them. Actions made under the guise of trying to “protect” me, whether it hurt me or not, always came when I would just as well rather crawl in a hole and die. In fairness, they knew me as a Valkyrie. I was hard on the outside so nothing got at my squishy bits, as if I didn’t even have any. I think seeing my squishy bits leaking out for over a year contributed to certain actions, however extreme or small. Whatever.
Then there’s the boyfriends. I’m always with some sort of nut/psycho/oddball. I’ll skip the first.

Jumping to the one who hacked into my computer and stalked me… after dumping ME. How does that work? Seriously. I’m not sure how that works. Was I supposed to wait for you? Be more upset? Not hate you like I did for a while? Seriously. This still boggles my mind.

But let’s think about the time. This was a time when I was way imbalanced. Playing mom, party-grrl, geek, super-student, repeat. I didn’t have time to mourn. I’d seen enough of my friends and “friends” either off themselves or OD or fade off the face of the planet in some way shape or form to sit around moping. Thirteen Days. That was my rule. Thirteen days tops to be depressed over anything, and on the fourteenth day, either drink, dance, or shag myself back into “happy” mode. Whatever.

So when “Paul” broke up with me to go to school, I took it for what it was and moved on. To be fair, he was spending WAY too much energy on me instead of doing what he needed to do. I didn’t see why he couldn’t do both but now I know with 100% certainty that he couldn’t. He’s too obsessive. That’s why he’s always single.

I could always go back to him when I needed some comfort and I always did. Even recently when Erik and I were split up, I used him for escape and he was willing. I finally faced the reason why and stopped doing it because the guilt really sucks. But is he an incredible programmer/gamer/ally? Heck yes. He’s super smart, but definitely someone you do NOT want to cross. He’s disciplined now, but I know the real deal.

Then there’s “God” lol. All the grrls just loved God. How’d I get with him. Ooh grrl he looks GOOD. Blah blah blah. We were friends because, again, I thought he was cute and we had fun. He was courtin me for a long time and I caved. He had this dysfunctional on again off again girlfriend (who actually told on of my favorite teachers I was trying to steal her boyfriend!) Okay first off, you were broken up. Secondly, I wasn’t even after him. But we hung out all the time, met on the balcony routinely to point at people and joke around, and to just chill. It was stupid teen drama that got her panties in a wad, coupled with the fact that he was an egotistical flirt. So I’d have been pissed if I were her, too. But in all fairness, I never did anything wrong and we didn’t hook up til a good while after them. Bah.

He’s a nutbag. I’m the only one who didn’t treat him like a trophy boyfriend so he felt something. I loved him as a friend but was never in love. After dating him off and on, cheating on him left and right, and eventually using “John” as an excuse to dump him, life was okay. He was so mean to his friends/minions. I couldn’t believe how they just flocked behind him. It was sickening. And his best friend, his “brother from another mother,” was always trying to bang me. Seriously. It was more stress than I needed. There was too much flirting with other grrls to keep up his Godlike persona, when I knew the real deal about him. I just said fuck it. He was a convenience for anything but sex. I just felt bad to dump him. But yeah, when I did… stalker. I still hear from people about him asking what I’m doin, who I’m with, where do I live, etc. It’s disturbing. This was well over 6 years ago.

Bah. Then there’s Erik who started out as a fucked up fling. If I could fully show my lowered expectations with him it’d make you grab some Kleenex. Or not. Whatever. It was ridiculous. And at the time, I didn’t even realize it. It actually took me screwing up with “Bob” to get it. Like hmm… Maybe Erik’s not full of shit? What if he actually is intohaving something real with me? Then denial sets in. If I believe it, it’s true. But this is also a guy who wasmakin nice with some chick after a show “to help [insert bass player here] get some action from her friend. yeah right, whatever, I knew what it was. Then there’s the regular groupies, one primarily. You know she’s into you so you let her sit on your lap. Or you give her a hug and peck on the lips as opposed to the cheek. Shit like this pissed me off. But I knew this wasn’t serious (him and I) and I knew it wasn’t going anywhere. So fuck it. There was a lot supressed in those early days that effected later days, because once he changed things in his life, I still didn’t 100% buy it. So I fucked up. Then I woke up and realized maybe he was being good. Then he wasn’t and I knew it but didn’t know why, so I figured I was being paranoid. Second-guessing yourself, not good. It makes you crazy. You think, well maybe I’m the one with the problems, feelin guilty and projecting. But then, no. What’s he doing all day? Why’s he not coming in til midnight? Why’s he not answering/sending to voicemail? Why’s the phone always on silent? Why’s he not spending the night?What’s with taking calls in another room. Maybe I’m just paranoid. everyone needs a little privacy. Well I know better now, but still. Enough with the details.
So the timing’s always been off. And now, after the worst year or so of my life, I’m pretty sure I still wanna crawl in a hole and die. Things seem to be better. Some things have changed. But there’s the things you notice that drive you batshit: idle conversation while deleting text messages, noticing the History tab being deleted when I go to look for a game I didn’t bookmark, knowing that you’re dealing with a person who won’t tell you something unless you know just the right question to ask can be very nerve-wrecking. But you love them so you deal and you weigh the pros an cons. How you feel without them in your life. Or how you keep thinking of good thing that could happen and you find yourself looking back to when you wouldn’t let yourself think about that stuff because it’d never work out.

But now it’s working out. And I’m happy. And to be honest, I’m pretty much terrified. When you finally start seeing things get good after SO much bullshit it’s really scary. I’m good at repressing, but there’s some things that are really, really hard and I can cry for hours on end when I have the time to myself. Stuff I did, stuff he did, stuff she did, stuff that somebody shoulda done did. I am pretty sure I need to get over this, I can handle my mood shit because I can’t. At some point last night I remember wanting to just be done with life altogether because it’s too hard. I have anxiety attacks more frequently and I worry that one day I’m not gonna hear someone come into the bathroom at work. I know something, I just don’t want to need it. I’m worn out all the time. I’m tired. I’m horny. I’m hungry. I’m sick. I’m repulsed mor often than not by every bit of myself. I’m this great person. It’s like I know that but I’m still sick of me. I think it’s because I just don’t repress as well as I used to. Maybe I’m running out of space. Maybe I need more good stuff. I don’t know.

I get excited about stuff. Then the same things depress me. I reminisce a lot. Then I remember it was bullshit. Friends, boyfriends, projects. All bullshit.

I need permanence.  I’d like to just be happy and call it a day. So I’m sure it’s time I start seeing a shrink again. I really need to. I’ve been crying at list 4 days out of the week for a year and a half now and I’m not exaggerating. I’ve just been stubborn. I want to be able to see that things are good without worrying that I’m wrong again. I’m paranoid, scarred up and tired. I know I have a brain problem which just depresses me more. So I need to get help (which depresses me more) because I’m so tired. I’m tired of worrying about everything. My mind is constantly peddling 6000 miles per minute and I’m pretty sure that’s not normal. I want to live a peaceful life without thinking about things and people that/who aren’t worth my time. I’m tired of comparing and contrasting. There shit that I know that I can’t unknow and I’m tired of caring. I need to stop caring so I’m going to find a doctor, get a little pill, and not care about anything but living a nice, quiet, happy life. I don’t want to think about the past or the future. I wanna live in the now and be okay with that. If it takes admitting I’m a nut job myself, then so be it.

The End.

Posted in Rant, Love, Friends, Relationships | 1 Comment »